Back to work...

It was a shock to be contacted recently and be offered my old job back. Apparently I was very much missed in my absence and a suitable replacement could not be found. I without really thinking it through accepted. The deadline for my return to work approaches and with each hour counting down to the date my anxiety about the return is starting to well up in the pit of my stomach.

I originally left the employment because I grew to detest it. Deep resentments had developed about the hours and conditions enforced in the workplace to a degree of unhappiness that made it impossible for me to face another day there. The situation at work had started to make me feel unwell. Stress and anxiety saw me visiting my doctor who suggested anti-depressants, some time off work and an eventual return to the workplace. I thought it best to simply cut and run.

I thought another job would be just around the corner and that a change of scenery would make me happier. Unfortunately in this small town employment is hard to come by and another position was not forthcoming. Currently being unemployed and not being entitled to any form of un-employment benefit from the government has placed me in a very precarious position. In short I need to go back in order to meet my financial commitments, pay rent and eat although I worry about the implications for my mental health.

Fortunately my schizophrenia is under control with the help of my medication and I have my alcoholism under control with the help of alcoholics anonymous. I know I must return. I know it is the responsible course of action to take but it is a struggle mentally to accept the situation. I feel though that my hands are tied and I have now to just accept the situation, bite the bullet, and make the best of a bad situation.

I have had these feelings of anxiety destroying me for a while now and having unloaded it to this journal wish now to try and forget about my return to work and get a good nights sleep. A little white pill called valium is my ticket to that sleep tonight. I just hope the anxiety is gone tomorrow when I wake...