Eclipse over...

Last night I finally convinced my co-worker that there was to be a lunar eclipse after my false alarm the previous evening. He actually heard it was true on the radio so I can't take my persuasive comments as the cause. My co-worker is Malaysian (I think) or of some other similar origin and although his english is quite good I often wonder if he actually understands a lot of what I say to him. The environment is very noisy with a lot of machinery operating and forklift trucks buzzing around. We wear hearing protection and just increase the volume of our speech to be heard so these factors and the respective speech accents make things difficult.

Arriving at work I couldn't wait for the sun to finally settle. In between operating machinery I ducked out of the shed at regular intervals to observe the shadow of the earth slowly engulf the moon. Co-worker kept rolling up in the forklift from the storage yard saying "It's not red..." I imagined it wouldn't be red until the eclipse was complete and tried to indicate this to him but all I received was a puzzled look.

Eventually the eclipse was complete and the moon was dark with a red/pinkish tinge. I admit it was very unusual and regret having been at work and only being able to grab swift glimpses of it's various stages of fulfilment. It was nice having something to look forward to during the evening however and it certainly made the first half of the night travel a little faster.

Anyway time to rest before another night only this time with nothing to look forward to...

Blood moon...

Night shift last night had me searching for the moon. I had heard that there was to be a lunar eclipse last night and excitedly told my co-worker of the fact. At 8.30 pm there we were searching the heavens for this unusual event. We were to be disappointed however as the event is not to occur until tonight. I don't think my co-worker believed me in the end as he hadn't heard anything about the impending lunar event. He looked at me as if I had lunar madness.

They are calling it a "blood moon" because the image of the moon appears red instead of it's customary silvery/white color. Apparently lunar eclipses happen somewhere around the world at least twice a year but the last time a total eclipse was visible from Australia's eastern states was in July 2000.

The eclipse will be full from 7.52pm (AEST) until 9.23pm (AEST), with the moon appearing red, because only the red component of sunlight will be diffracted around the earth onto its surface. All that remains to be seen tonight is if cloud cover will prevent observing it. Something to look forward to though, in an otherwise dreary night of money earning...

Drug dreams...

I stayed up late last night hoping to sleep in late today because I am starting night shift this afternoon. The plan went badly when I awoke at about 6.30 this morning with mild paranoia and was unable to go back to sleep. I tried again at midday to get a few hours before starting my drive at 3.30 pm to start at 4.

I managed to go off into a light sleep I think about 1 pm only to enter into a dreaming state that I awoke from feeling great distress from. About six years ago I got hooked on the drug ice. First speed and then ice. This addiction took me through three of the most harrowing years before I kicked the habit about three years ago.

The dream was vivid about shooting up. The scene included the whole ritual, the preparation, the insertion of the needle into my vein, the drawing back of blood to ensure the vein had been located and then the glorious rush of the injection. The scene was repeated several times in succession but each time, although a successful injection, the needle on the end of the syringe bent at right angles tearing at my veins.

I woke up and before the onset of distress my last memory was thinking how well night shift was going to go tonight "full of speed". The dream was just so vivid and indicates to me just how fragile my recovery really is and how powerful the sub conscious mind is in relation to my past addiction. I have been clean for a long time now and did it "cold turkey". I have a new life now. I have dealt with my alcoholism, I have dealt with my drug addiction and I have medicated for my schizophrenia.

I hope this dream was a one off experience, but it scared the hell out of me...

Spring wattle...

The weather today is delightful. One could be excused for thinking that it was the middle of spring, approaching summer, tee-shirt weather. My weekly trip for supplies saw the drive made with the window down and a cool breeze flying gently in my face as I drove. The wattles are brilliantly showing off their pre-spring flush of golden yellow and I noticed several unknown fruit trees on the sides of the road showing their first pinkish blossoms of the season.

Spring is indeed just around the corner with another bleak winter behind us here in the southern hemisphere. It is amazing what effects these warmer, sunny weather conditions can have on my mental state of the moment although a little more rain in these drought-ish times would not affect me detrimentally. I have really enjoyed these past few days off and feel rested and ready to return to the "mill" for another week of night shift monday night...

Daffodil day...

Today is daffodil day in Australia. This is a day set aside to raise awareness of cancer by the cancer council. It is a day once a year that I reminisce heavily on the death 12 years ago of my (then) 7 year old son. It amazes me to think he would be 19 years old this year if he were still alive.

I was separated from my first wife and camping at a friends house when I received a call from my older sister telling me to get to the hospital as something was wrong with my son. Shortly after arriving at the hospital my son was air lifted to a major hospital in Sydney where he was diagnosed with a rare childhood cancer called Rabdosarcoma (A malignant tumor of muscle tissue.)

The cancer had started near his jaw bone and had progressed down his spine and formed many legions on his lungs. Diagnosis to death was 14 days. It (the cancer) was inoperable. I define the time as probably the worst in my life. So little time and such a very sick little boy who showed no more symptoms than a toothache for which he was dispatched to the dentist by his mother.

My final memories of my child were watching Jurassic park over and over in the hospital with "Look daddy, Raptor..." his favorite animal. Finally, as the end approached he frantically clutched at my head, pulling me close and kissing me with dry, cracked lips. He knew what was happening to him.

Today I may succumb to a few beers down the pub. I dearly loved that child...

Advantages to adversity ...

Working a four day week with ten hour shifts has it's advantages. A three day weekend as a reward. I am bolstered by the fact that tomorrow is my last day of day shift and as of 4 pm thursday I don't need to return until 4 pm monday afternoon. Looking for the advantages to adversity in the long hours of the day I realise that I seem to have a lot of time to think. Not really pondering anything, more like memories from the past zapping into my mind.

Things I haven't thought of in years seem to appear from nowhere for no particular reason. Some of these memories are very old and equally obscure. I can't really give any as an example as they are fleeting thoughts... more like dejavu, only with tangible substance as far as memories go. Some are pleasant memories and others are disturbing and painful recollections, some I had thought well and truly dealt with and forgotten. Anyway I find it interesting and wonder how much these "unlocked" memories are attributable to the medication for schizophrenia I take.

One more day of adversity awaits and I must now seek nutrition, some relaxation and regain my strength for another, hopefully less brutal day...

goodnight

Head miles...

Got in to see the doctor on monday after work for my fortnightly shot of resperidone conte. I was pleased that I didn't have to wait very long and am appreciative of having a hardworking and flexible doctor available in this small town. I have had more success with medications since seeing this physician.

I have seen dozens of doctors, psychiatrists and associated mental health workers for my schizophrenia over the years, but none have been as successful at treating my illness as this man. I love the resperidone conte and am so glad of ending the daily pill regime that for years I needed to keep any form of stability in my life.

Work is tolerable now and this has not always been the case. I seem able to avoid what I describe as "head miles", times I spent endlessly conversing with a myriad of thoughts,"voices", paranoia's and phobias. I used to feel as if I was doing miles and miles in my own mind. It was thoroughly exhausting. I am happy to say that with the help of this medication that at the end of a hard day's work I am simply physically tired, and not physically tired and mentally exhausted. I thank resperidone conte and my doctor for this.

I have missed posting here since saturday night. I arrived home from day shift today and still had the mental capacity to log on and catch up on some of the regular blogs that I read. I will finish this post and catch up on a few more before settling down for a meal, a little television and a good nights sleep...

Sleep, DVD's and medication...

Arriving home at 2.30 am friday I took the luxury of watching television till sleep overcame me at about 4 am. I slept late into the day with the electric blanket working a miracle on my strained and tired legs and feet. I feel I wasted most of my first day off but needed the time to properly recover. I didn't post here at all friday.

Today was spent lounging around before a trip to the supermarket for supplies and a visit to the video store for cheap DVD's. I selected 6 which tallied to just over $50.00. A little reward after returning to work. Problem is my DVD player isn't working and was forced to watch one on this laptop computer with very poor (little volume) sound.

Not much really happening here, and Dr Who beckons from the television in my bedroom. I will retire again to the knowledge that I don't have to work again tomorrow. I really appreciate my weekends now although I seem to sleep a lot of it away. I forgot to make an appointment with the doctor for my fortnightly shot of resperidone conte on monday for which I am due. I will try and get an appointment for monday afternoon after work.

The problem with being medicated for schizophrenia is that when your well you have to remind yourself that it's the medication that keeps you well...

5 hour blocks...

Tonight is my last night on shift and then a three day reprieve. I feel like I have been living my life in blocks of five hours duration. Five hours till my mid shift break, five hours more till home, an hour or so till sleep and then waking, another five hours till I start the next block of five hours.

I must leave in a half an hour to restart this five hour ritual and looking outside it has started to rain with loud claps of thunder attached. It is a long walk from where I park the car into my workplace and it seems I am going to get very wet... great...

Death before dishonor...

My first tattoo was a standard "off the wall" picture of a dagger through a heart with a scroll that said "Death before dishonor". My camera isn't available so this picture is one I found on the net that is "sort of" similar". Mine has color and is now surrounded by many other tattoos.

When I first joined the army at 17 years of age it was popular to get a tattoo so, full of bravado and a few beers I was off to the tattooist in Melbourne for my first. The un-original Death before dishonor tattoo seemed the logical choice. The image of being macho was probably the deciding factor of this first tattoo.

I thought about it early this morning at work when I was thoroughly "fed up" with the work and tired beyond belief. My legs and feet ached and all I wanted was the shift to come to a speedy end. I have worn this tattoo for 27 years and it rarely comes to mind even when standing in front of a mirror. I laugh about it now because I think dishonor is probably far more preferable to death...

note: the tattooist used a stencil and used the American spelling "dishonor". in Australia it is supposed to be spelt "dishonour".

Nothing much...

Returned home from work at 2.30 am this morning. The work was particularly hard during the evening and my usual complaint of sore legs and feet from pounding up and down on the concrete prevailed. The hours seemed to drag by with the repetitious and demanding activity. As I work in a large open (no walls) shed the cold of the evening (2 degrees celcius) seeped through my jumper and work coat. I just couldn't warm up even though the work I was doing was strenuous.

Anyway home I arrived to a pleasant hour of a 1965 circa movie on television about a small boy who steals an exotic (didn't catch it's name) small animal from an English zoo and his attempts at concealing it from his aunt. I would like to know how it ended but sleep overcame me within the hour. I awoke at 8am, then 10am, then 11am. I am off to work again in 2 hours.

I hope tonight is easier...

Just have a few...

I think I need to maintain a few relationships with friends around town. The problem for me is that these relationships have, in the past, been maintained in the local pub (hotel). As I find it difficult to restrict my alcohol intake this location can be very bad for my well being. Yesterday afternoon I visited a friend from the pub at his home. Upon arrival one of the first things he offered me was a beer. I declined. I didn't say why I didn't want one, not the truth of why, just that I didn't "feel" like one. I felt by my absence from the pub that he thought I was avoiding him which wasn't true. I was avoiding the drinking place itself.

After a short while my friend decided we should relocate down to the pub in order to watch the Rugby Union (football) on the big screen television located above the bar. I don't know why but I simply responded "see you down there" and left in my car. It felt strange after a long absence to walk into the pub and even stranger to ask for a schooner of Coca-Cola. It ended up being the longest game of football I think I have ever watched and took the final whistle as my signal to leave.

I can't say that I didn't want to have some alcohol because I did. I didn't have any, but deep down I wanted to. The beer seemed to be calling out to me. Old thinking that I could just have a few, that I could now drink sensibly and be "normal" crept into my mind. I didn't enjoy the game, the conversation or my surroundings and I think it will be a while yet before I can comfortably re-enter the environment and remain sober and sane...

Stupid car...

After 47 posts on this blog and never missing a day, I have gone five days without writing anything. Work has consumed me for my ten hour daily shifts and left me exhausted with very sore feet and legs at the end of each day. I get home, eat and go straight to bed to get ready for the next days start. I have missed reading my favourite blogs each day and have spent this morning catching up on a weeks worth of postings.

Starting at 4.30 am to travel to work, I began on monday. Not being used to the constant walking on concrete my body was rebelling by the welcomed end of the day. After the shift remained a long walk to where my car was parked and upon arriving, to my horror the car wouldn't start, the key did not turn in the lock. I had an appointment at the doctors 45 minutes later and in desperation decided to walk to my lady's work to get her car.

I didn't realise how far that walk was on foot. 40 minutes later I arrived, legs and feet in pain. My lady rang the doctors and let them know I would be late. Long story short, 6pm saw me with pants down receiving my fortnightly injection of resperidone conte. The dose had been increased to 37.5 mg in a slow release mixture and to this point has alleviated the symptoms of my schizophrenia well this week.

The car's key lock is being repaired and I have another vehicle as a "loaner" so my transport woes have been corrected. I am enjoying my first day off giving my legs time to adjust to the rigours the work involves. All in all I am happy to be back earning an income. The effect on my self esteem is empowering. I just wish my legs and feet shared my new found optimism of the future...

Back to the dungeons...

The weekend travelled by faster than I expected and my new work starting in the morning sneaks up on me swiftly. I need to get some sleep as I must awake at 4.30 am tomorrow to make my half hour drive to work. This leaves me only six and a half hours sleep if I finish this now. Then its ten and a half hours till my half hour drive home.
goodnight...

Big Cats...

For many years there have been many sightings of big cats in Australia. The sightings are becoming very common in the states of Victoria and New South Wales.

It is believed that American servicemen stationed in Australia during World War II may have brought them in as military mascots. When quarantine demanded the animals be destroyed the owners released them into the Australian bush in preference to putting the animals down. Other theory's include private zoos, collectors and travelling exotic animal sideshows releasing these big cats.

Farmers have reported stock losses of large animals such as horses and cattle as well as smaller sheep, goats and deer. These kills usually displayed characteristics of mauling impossible for any other native carnivore, cat or feral dog. Many believe there is a sustainable population of panthers and pumas roaming wild in the Australian bush.

Head miles...

Today I worked up the inclination to contact my work and find out what shift I am to return to next week. I presumed I would be doing the same job as I used to do, a job I grew to despise. The manager told me which shift I am to start back on and then before finishing the call told me I would be doing a totally different job.

I can't express the relief in me when he said this. I think it is a mark of my own paranoia that I have been "working myself up" for a week about returning to work and fighting despair and anxiety every inch of the way for all that time only to discover at the last minute that the whole mental experience was un-necessary.

Later in the day I drove to the bigger supermarket in a neighbouring town to get supplies as Mother Hubbard's cupboard was bare. I drove past work along the way and felt that my fortunes have perhaps changed. I can't say that I am looking forward to the return still, although I am not dreading it like I was.

Anyway I have a weekend ahead of me to enjoy (or at least try to) and perhaps have the frame of mind to write something a little more interesting than my work woes...

Kurrajong trees...

Today has been a restless day. I forced myself out of the house this afternoon and drove down to the local waterfall where I sat and smoked a cigarette and enjoyed the sunshine, the babbling creek and the peacefulness of the place. The landscape beyond the creek was void of trees accept for a sprinkling of kurrajong trees left over from the land clearing of the mining era last century. In the time between then and now it seems nature has failed to reclaim the area leaving only the timber unable to be used in the mines and mining camps.

Reading yesterday's post reminds me how awful a day it was for me. I am in a more accepting mood about the work issue today. Tomorrow I will call work back and find out what shift I start on next week. After that call I will try and not dwell on my imminent return and face the situation when the weekend ends.

Next week I will try and be like the kurrajong and remain standing at the end of the day...

Back to work...

It was a shock to be contacted recently and be offered my old job back. Apparently I was very much missed in my absence and a suitable replacement could not be found. I without really thinking it through accepted. The deadline for my return to work approaches and with each hour counting down to the date my anxiety about the return is starting to well up in the pit of my stomach.

I originally left the employment because I grew to detest it. Deep resentments had developed about the hours and conditions enforced in the workplace to a degree of unhappiness that made it impossible for me to face another day there. The situation at work had started to make me feel unwell. Stress and anxiety saw me visiting my doctor who suggested anti-depressants, some time off work and an eventual return to the workplace. I thought it best to simply cut and run.

I thought another job would be just around the corner and that a change of scenery would make me happier. Unfortunately in this small town employment is hard to come by and another position was not forthcoming. Currently being unemployed and not being entitled to any form of un-employment benefit from the government has placed me in a very precarious position. In short I need to go back in order to meet my financial commitments, pay rent and eat although I worry about the implications for my mental health.

Fortunately my schizophrenia is under control with the help of my medication and I have my alcoholism under control with the help of alcoholics anonymous. I know I must return. I know it is the responsible course of action to take but it is a struggle mentally to accept the situation. I feel though that my hands are tied and I have now to just accept the situation, bite the bullet, and make the best of a bad situation.

I have had these feelings of anxiety destroying me for a while now and having unloaded it to this journal wish now to try and forget about my return to work and get a good nights sleep. A little white pill called valium is my ticket to that sleep tonight. I just hope the anxiety is gone tomorrow when I wake...